March through August submissions

We Anonymous is the place to vent. To blow off steam and share disgust without it ever coming back to you. Get it out. You'll feel better.

Here's your eighty-three cent refund you fucking monster

As I was heading over to the employee lounge (chair behind the dumpster) at Kokua last night with a coffee mug in one hand and a cigarette in the other, a woman approached me in the parking lot to tell me she had just been overcharged for a bag of chips. I was incredulous and punched her in the kidneys. Sure she had no way of knowing that I had been working for 12 hours on no sleep and wrestling with existential crises as well as really mundane yet psychologically consuming affairs, but FOR CHRIST'S SAKE people please tell me, is there is any more universal sign for "go away I am on a break" than a coffee mug and a cigarette? So, ok, I didn't really punch her. But I did give her the refund all in dimes and pennies. Then I wept for all humanity. Then I drank some beer.

"An Open Letter to Unomas"

Unomas, We get it... You think it's hilarious to keep writing "one more" in Spanish, again and again. NO MAS! Stop writing your stupid name everywhere. Please, be reasonable. You do damage to the community. Your monkey pictures are hideous and it makes decent people's days a little worse to see them. If you wish to uglify things, why not start by vandalizing luxury SUVs? or the mansions that go unoccupied for 10 months out of the year? What did the city streets do to deserve being made even uglier? Don't you think that people in the streets deserve more beauty instead of more ugliness? Get your artless shit off the university campuses, idiot, you and your name don't belong on them! I hope that you get a beating and thrown in prison. Sincerely, Avid Appreciator of Graf-Art ps. Barry McGee says fuck you.

Contaminated! I walked into Kozo Sushi today because I wanted sushi, (not to say that Kozo is anymore a sushi place than McDonalds is a steak house but I was in a rush). Now since the casher was unbelievably slow in taking orders and there were a few people ahead of me, it gave me some time to peer into the back, and unfortunately like most fast food places these days, all I could see was health code violations. I don’t know if people just don’t understand how easy it is to cross contaminate food, are the employees just lazy, or are they not being trained well in the first place? Well at any rate the sushi maker in the back was running around making the nigiri pieces without any gloves or a hat. Now it was very easy to see he didn’t have any kind of hairnet on since he had long greasy hair past his ears that kept flopping around as he moved. Now real sushi chefs don’t use gloves but that is because they are using rice wine vinegar which they often dip their hands into for moisture/flavor/sanitation. If you’ve ever eaten Kozo sushi you know they don’t use vinegar so there was just no excuse. By this time it was my turn to order, so I asked for some ahi sushi and added if the dude in the back could please put on a cap of some sort before he touches my food. What I neglected to say and I guess I had over assumed, was that after going over to the sink and touching his hair as he put on his cap that he would then wash his hands before returning to work. But that’s ok because as it turns out the cashier, who keep in mind is handling money, walks in the back and without washing her hands begins to prepare my sushi. At this point I just left without my food. I couldn’t have eaten it anyway. The fact that more people don’t get sick from these places is amazing. I really believe that many people do get sick but don’t realize it. There is no twenty-four hour flu, that is almost 100% mild food poisoning due to mishandling of foods. For these reasons, I often eat at home, perhaps we all should. by Boyd as’ hell

Mysp4c3 wh0r3$ f0r3v4 Stop writing poetry. Seriously, you are a worse poet than Sylvia Plath. It's not even poetry, its a jarbled mess of lines and words that form incoherent and unrelated statements. You've decided that guys are "demons," as you call them, even though you've only dated something around like 4 guys in your whole life. Don't just assume that every guy wants to fuck you "just because." Nobody cares about how your heart was supposedly all stepped over because some guy broke up with you because he finally realized how much of a crazy bitch you are. As a general rule, 20 lines of nonrhyming sentences lacking a general flow or even basic pattern does not count as poetry. It's... myspace poetry. It's a class in and of its own. No one gives a shit about how your dad doesn't like you. He gave you a mother fucking diamond ring for your birthday. As much as you want to try, you're not punk. And you never will be punk. Sorry, you listen to Enya. You like bands because their lead singer is hot. You jumped on the Bush-Hating Bandwagon and can't even carry on a good argument without making some fatal error (not to sound like a nerd or anything, but sometimes carrying on a good conversation about politics is refreshing). That's great you like a local band or two. Stop boasting the fact you know who they are by asking "do you know who ____ is?" You act like a flopping fish out of water in all the local shows. You just attach yourself to all the supposed "cool kids" of the shows so you have someone to talk about on myspace. How about, for once, I don't know, actually help with the band? Promote their shit and help them get a name? Even getting their shit from the stage to their cars could be doing your part. But no. All you ever do is stand in front of everyone at the very front and scream when they play another song that you don't know the words to. You've been going to shows for a good 3 or 4 months. I'm no veteran, but I don't go to fill up my weekend. I go to feel a sense of community. To feel something real happening. Everytime I see you, I wish more and more you had a set of balls dangling between your thighs just so I could kick them as hard as I could. by Morrison

Band Rant

Don't you hate it when you go see a show and the band really fucking sucks BUT they actually seem like real nice people? I mean, what do you do? Do you say something to them--like when your friend sneezes and they have a booger hanging on the side of their nose? Ok Ok I'll be honest, I saw this band this past weekend, we'll call them International Boy scouts..... Ok I'm lying their real name is National Product. Anyways, I seriously had to walk away from them because they were just obnoxiously loud and ALL THEIR SONGS SOUNDED THE SAME. Hello??? Earth to National Product, don't you know you sound like every fucking band on MTV. I guess that was their whole master plan, "Let's sound exactly like Fall Out Boy and The All American Rejects!!!!!" YEAAAHHH. dude.. YEAAAAHHH!!!! Get a clue, guys! Why don't you read some online blogs and copy some cool band from Toronto instead. Let me help you.. here's an easy one: www.pitchforkmedia.com I know, I'm being a dick head. What the fuck do I know? Their stage performance was actually memorable and like I said these guys seemed actually down to earth--plus this band actually started here in the aina. (by the way, they've pulled a go-jimmy-go move because only two of the original members are left) I actually checked out their myspace page and DAMN! they had like a million gazillion people click on their songs, and they've played real huge venues in the mainland. What a slap in the face! Check out www.myspace.com/nationalproduct What does that actually say to me? Either they've got a real good business sense, because YOU (even me) are guilty of listening to this kind of "ROCK" (I'm using this term loosely) Or I'm a douche bag--and I know NOTHING about music because I don't pay attention to the bands that play on TRL and because I didn't give a fuck if Bo Brice won American Idol or not. Aurrghhh!!!! It just makes me want to join a hippie colony. AND why are bands so eager to leave Hawaii, anyways? Don't they know the life expectancy of a band exponentially declines once they step foot out of the Honolulu airport? Let me name two that have moved and have been disbanded... Hell Bound Hounds (I think they opened for Morrisey, though), & The Manner (actually I think someone got deported). I also hear that Ex-Factor is planning a major main land tour with hopes of NOT coming back to Hawaii if everything works out. What's up with that? SO WHAT if we have thousands of miles of ocean surrounding us, and we are one of the most isolated areas in the world? That shouldn't stop us! Good music is good music. Can I get an, AMEN!!!???

What about isolated areas like Iceland that have brought out Sigur Ros.. ok and Bjork? What about Athens, GA-- R.E.M and Of Montreal... What about Canada.. Broken Social Scene..and Mike Myers.. It's pretty expensive to fly out of these places I don't see why it's such a disability for a band to be living in Hawaii to "Make It". Like I said, what do I know? Perhaps, I just got offended when National Product was setting up at Detox and they said something like "This is like the ghetto days!" FUCK YOU National Product with your pretty boy faces, with your cool acrobatic rocker moves, and your cool emo haircut. YOU’RE STILL JUST A BUNCH OF WHITE BOYS FROM KAILUA!!!! o maw caw caw!!! by Rhonda Evans

That One Indie-Emo Kid

Stop pretending you're some misunderstood soul. "I wear these glasses because I'm emo and I wear these tight pants because I'm indie." (Yes, actual quote). You wear that shit because you're a fucking poseur. You dyed your hair black and slicked it over one eye because your brother told you so. You once told me that Shakespeare sucks. That only proves to me that you don't read. I thought "emo" kids were supposed to be smart and witty with a well developed sense of music? Why do you and your brother have to be part of this new whiney wave of emo? I thought emo was about bands like the Get-Up Kids, Saves The Day, Rites of Spring, etc, but i guess now it's all about Fall Out Boy and Hawthorne Heights and forced emotions. by Jacked Your Box

Cliche Motherfuckers I see you. You stick out like a sore thumb hanging out by Long's Drugs in Ala Moana with your badly dyed green hair and black and white striped socks. I want to get to know you. You are a mystery to me because I used to be that age and that eager to want to belong to something. What drives you? Who are your heroes? I'm afraid that you might answer something like "Korn" or "Napoleon Dynamite" or "Nickel Back". Have you read the news lately? Did you even vote? Where did we go wrong? When I mean "we" I mean everyone older than 25. Did we not set a good example for you? Did you not pay attention to us when we were listening to Public Enemy and Nirvana when you were still in grade school? Do you know that the music they play at 80's night at Pink Cadillac is fucking WHACK? I mean seriously, you're dancing to the worst set of "80's" music I've ever heard. You're better off buying one of those 80's Hits compilations you see on infomercials. Do you know that there are hard working people in Hawaii that are trying to make it easy for "meaningful" all age events to happen?--Unity crayons to be exact. Yet, you ruin it by getting all fucked up on coke and had to have your ass dragged by the paramedic out of Coffee Talk because you had an epileptic shock. You dumb fuck, you shouldn't do coke when you have a medical condition. WAKE UP! --there's people that care. Do something else, besides, trying to get drunk, or get high. Been there, done that. I can tell you, from personal experience that it's not worth it. You fucking wanabe crack head, you're a fucking moron--You live with your mom making minimum wage working at Music Mac and you're fucking getting cracked out? That's so punk rock! Do you know how small we all are compared to the rest of the world? There are things happening everywhere else that are far greater dire than what you're going through, you sadistic fuck. Your life is not that bad! Stop being so fucking EMO. WAKE UP! DO SOMETHING! Stop trying to change yourself into something you're not, you fucking poser. Stop being pathetic and WAKE UP! Go to shows, go look at art. Take a pottery class at UH. Take swimming lessons--You live in Hawaii for Christ's sake. Go Hiking. Go to class. Read a fucking book, besides Memnoch the Devil or The Da Vinci Code. Learn to break dance. Anything better than lounging around, trying to be fucking cool with your iced soy chai, clove cigarettes and guitar at Coffee Talk. Instead of showing of your guitar skills like a street performer, why don't you do it right and find a nice street corner on Kalakaua Avenue in Waikiki next to the silver people, you fucking wannabe hippie. You think you're so fucking cool because you've learned to vandalize people's property? Have you ever been to New York? Your graph looks like shit. Just because they wrote an article about graffiti in the Weekly, doesn't mean you have to jump the band wagon and start grabbing stacks of address stickers from the post office. Do you know who ONIT was? This guy, was one of the most amazing artists in Hawaii--and he tagged everywhere. I used to stop my car on the side of the road just so I can take a fucking picture of his piece on the side of the old Kodak building on Kapiolani. You know what? He got fucking caught by the police, and he never even had a myspace with his picture and his tag name. You dumb fuck, I hope you're ass gets caught. Take a fucking Art 112 class and you'll learn about composition. Go to borders and buy a book on Shepard Fairey and Bryan McGee--maybe you'll learn a thing or two about discretion and the fine line of street art and the gallery space. WAKE UP, you cliche motherfuckers. by Bruce Dawson

Beautiful Soul? I saw that stupid Jesse McCartney video again "Beautiful Soul" and it's just pissing me off. Such a worthless piece of crap. In the video he falls for the pretty girl. I mean big whoop! The whole point of the song, or as I understand it, is that it's supposed to be about what's on the inside that counts. Yet do you see him passing up the model for the fat girl with braces but a beautiful heart? No you don't. Do you see him falling in love with the awkward nerdy guy even though he never thought he was gay cause the guy has a beautiful soul? No, you don't. I'm not saying that the girl in the video is runway material but I mean she doesn't have glaring defects that he sees past to love her anyway. The best I can figure is that she wasn't wearing much makeup and she's not a blonde. God forbid he falls for a girl who isn't blonde and blue-eyed. She had more an eastern european look to her, deep set eyes, very pretty. I don't know why this should upset me so much, it's not like he even wrote the song. He couldn't have, it has too many syllables for someone of his stature. Boyd as'hell

A Time to Vent I don't get 'tipsy'. I'm not 'bout it'. I'd rather you NOT 'shake it like a salt shaker'. And as a matter of fact, I'd appreciate it if 'errbody' would just refrain from givin me a 'holla'. I definitely would 'hit it' though - just don't call me 'daddy', because I sure as shit won't be calling you 'mami'. Man, I remember when it was cool to call hip hop 'rap'. Now it's so uncool, that every shitty rap act is starting to label their brand of club style anal secretion as hip hop. Hey hey hey! We never said you could do that, fuckers! Stick with the label of rap (read as: shitty club zombie fuck music), and leave the label of hip hop alone. If this shit don't stop, my friends, we're gonna need to find another name to use when referring to our beloved hip hop. And while I'm at it, it might be interesting to actually hear some DJing from these fucking rock bands with DJs in their videos. The DJ is acting like he's getting DOWN in the video... it always looks like he's three scratches away from getting carpal tunnel syndrome. So why am I not hearing any fucking scratches or blends? Oh, I know why. Maybe it's because their conceited lead singer and/or rapper won't stop spitting his nonsensical barrage of pop culture party lingo for two God damn seconds. by Chris Scrofani

2 Part Blog

PART ONE Why do, "d.j.'s" shoulder the headset to one ear when they're in a record store? Are they trying to sync up their crappy house to the Hank Williams cd I’m playing in the store? Stop doing this! Not only do you come off as an amateur and an asshole, but repeated use in this fashion (as actual d.j.'s will attest) breaks the hinge on one side and then i have to get another headset. You fucking morons. p.s. I wanna bash your stupid face in. Go back to pretending to surf or something. PART TWO Wow. I sure was grumpy yesterday. I’d like to add that while I was writing that blog, I had some issues with the spelling of the word "hinge". It was spelled right, but sometimes words just look funny even though they're spelled right, y'know? So anyway, as an experiment, I asked the guy breaking the headphones how he thought I should spell the word "hinge". And he said, with all the world's conviction, "you mean like 'door-hinge'?..its H-E-N-D-G-E" I thanked him. He seemed genuinely pleased to have helped. Maybe he's not so bad after all. by Naumdy Plume

Cesspool
	Telling us it's ok to go back in the water is like telling us it's ok to take a huge shit in the toilet, flushing once and giving the baby a bath. Who exactly are these researchers? I wouldn't recommend swimming until you see them swimming. Concerned Citizen

First Friday Needs Help

I just wanted to say that if those small galleries down at chinatown want to keep First Friday going they better stop with the watercolor paintings, arts and craftsy bead sculptures and overdone abstract oil paintings and come up with something new fast by next month. Thirty Nine Hotel seem to be the hottest, while Mark's Garage doing okay but really sold out with their watercolor show this April. Sean

Whimper and Whine All right here it is my plead to my peers and my fellow outcast First off when did suicide become cool? Are we so shallow minded that the only way we can express heartbreak is through holding razor blades to our wrists? Another thing, I love some emo music but if I hear one more song about a girl ripping some boy's heart out I'm going to scream. It was incredible when I first heard it "and with my one last gasping breath I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt" now that's classy. It's great to hear Saves The Day sing about being so hurt that the only way to cure the heartache is by destroying the one that created it. Let's face it, it's getting old, the creative thievery must come to an end. Write original lyrics it's not that hard. Lyrics, now that brings up a new argument. At one time music brought a message to the youth. Damning social and political barriers, showing that it's okay to feel alone there are others out there who feel the same "more than just another crowd, we need a gathering instead". It seems that now the music scene feeds off our lost youth. Now anyone on here who is my friend would most likely have to lie to me, if they were to say that they haven't felt alone for most if not all of their life. We need music that inspires the ignorant, not music that caters to the lonely. What I was taught is that if you don't like a part of your life, you must do what you can to change it. You always have choice. Don't give up because you came from a broken home. Don't use it as an excuse. Observe what you don't like and do things different, we have the power to control our own lives and to inspire others. I just don't want our generation to grow up thinking that it is okay to hurt. It's just not healthy. Now onto rebelling what is it we have to rebel against? We have no great war, and a large percent of our parents were fairly liberal on our upbringings. I mean come on people the idea of the MAN is fast fading. Are we so desperate that we must rebel against the comforts of suburban living? Dyeing your blond hair black throwing on a studded belt and putting some metal in your face does not make you a rebel. In fact if done for the wrong reasons it makes you nothing more than a fashion whore. Let’s not seek attention before we find out who we truly are. I'm not trying to sound like a hypocrite. I wear girl jeans and even eyeliner from time to time tattoos and my septum stabbed; it's not that I don't support individuality. All I ask is that it is based on originality and you come to grips with who you are. For without self-appreciation wearing eyeliner just makes you into a "nonconforming conformist lamb" in the flock with all your fellow sheep. When we all try so hard to be different we end up becoming exactly what it was we were denying. We all want to be accepted; yet we all seem to judge each other even within the punk/emo/hardcore/indie scene there is far too much judgment. It's simple if you don't want to be judged start by not judging others; while this may not solve the problem at least you will know that you are not a part of it. Also I've found that it is a much harder task to judge a good person than it is to judge a bad one. I myself never noticed it but when I was in school my best friend and I were truly original. We wore and did things that no one else could pull off. It was because we had a presence about us, we weren't afraid to do what we wanted and we never did something just so that we could be different. Now that high school is behind me I've been commended by people who used to chastise me. They chastised me for being myself and now they realize that it was they who were the lost and ignorant ones. Back to music, for the longest time I've heard people complain that MTV and the radio tell you what to listen to and what is the standard for cool. Now while I must admit I am a fan of AP, is this not the MTV of my lifestyle? A source that tells us what bands are "in". Oh then what happens, you see your favorite bands in a new style and you soon adopt it (three cheers for originality). All I ask here is for you to stop condemning the MTV kids for doing exactly what it is that you yourselves do. There is nothing different other than the source. Now I know that some music is supposed to be taken at face value and that it is solely music and the message is to just have fun. So I'm not here to bitch about that. Yet I must say something about the thirty some things who sing about high school drama, leaving home and teenage torments. Let us just be ourselves it's not that hard. When you are done reading this go meet a real person. Next time your at a show turn to the stranger beside you and ask them if their having a good time and what they think about the music. I know this kind of ends abruptly but I have nothing else I think I could say and keep you interested, so on that note I leave you with this... Don't live your life through the media, what your favorite band is doing or song lyrics. by Scooter

Spangers There’s a couple of things thats been bugging me. Those guys begging on the corner near Pali Hwy, or really any intersection now. Its not that I don’t feel bad that people have to resort to begging, but a lot of them look capable of working. And I heard they actually make a lot of money. I swear if you drive from Zippy's Vineyard to Pali Highway you'll probably see 3 of them along the way. Then there’s all the weirdos who come in to my work and ask if the magazines on the table are free. (They're not). Do they ask this everywhere? The library? The doctors office? The used book store? Is it cuz I look like a sucker kind person or because they’re psycho? (Probably both) Then there’s those guys who ask "eh, got cigarette?" I usually end up giving up a cigarette for some reason. I work at an iCafe that’s near a laundry mat. We're open late, and we always get some sucker who comes in asking for quarters. At first it wasn’t a problem, but then they all started to come in. Eventually we ran out of quarters and got tired of having to restock. It wouldn’t be so bad but they never buy anything. At that time we had a quarter machine for some old ass arcade games and despite signs people would come in and make change then leave. I can appreciate that maybe, just maybe you forgot it was time to wash your stinky clothes and you forgot to get quarters that day, but really, plan better. Why doesn’t the laundry mat have a change machine? Is it because someone stole it years ago? If you can remember to bring soap (I hope you use soap) you can have a couple of rolls of quarters set aside, unless you gave it to the guy begging on the corner. by Hellbent

Who’s more pretentious? Indie art fags that think they’re better than everyone or the guy who thinks he’s better than indie art fags and doesn’t call himself indie. But is by not calling himself indie make him and indie art fag just plain pretentious because he’s thinks he’s better than people that think they’re better than everyone. Also do regular indie art fags think they’re better than this pretentious "I’m better than indie art fag guys" guy. Or am I just pretentious by using the word pretentious. Penis out”. That’s my submission about nothing on ur list, I think. by Steve Son

Top 6

1) Sidewalks on both sides of the street taken over by homeless temporary shelters. Making a choice to walk down the middle of the street as the least confrontational option. 2) Unpedestrian friendly suburbs - having to walk blocks all the way around cookie cutter homes to get to the main road when they could have easily not fenced us all in. 3) Resale value of anything being only about 5% of what it is worth. 4) Waiting through months of rain to go to the beach only to have to wait longer until the sewage WE polluted it all with clears out. When will that be?! 5) Trying your hardest to please a client at work who demands you get her job in her hand BEFORE 8am with her knowing full well that the elevator in her office doesn't move until after 8am. (me finding out later...) bitch. 6) Eating mall food as a last option since you're so hungry and seeing cockroaches crawling on their counter while waiting for them to reheat it. Eating the food anyhow.... **Just another day in paradise! :D by Kat Lady

Assload of Nonsense

I hear a lot of people saying "buttload" or "assload" to mean "an unbelievably large quantity." If they're talking about sesame seeds, bacon bits, or bath salts, I can see how a "buttload" would seem like a lot. But, really, normal rectal capacity is only about 220 mL So clearly, this means that, at most, the normal person could hold 220 cubic centimeters of sesame seeds, bacon bits, or bath salts in his or her ass. That's almost 15 tablespoons. Still, the items are small, and one can imagine that it would be somewhat uncomfortable but do-able (although the salts and the bacon bits would probably hurt like a sonofabitch).

However, when people start talking about assloads (or metric assloads, which are the same, but look like they'd be more) of bowling balls, penguins, or fanboys, I get rather puzzled. I doubt that even the most fecally incontinent person could fit the average fanboy up the ass. Even if the rectally inserted fanboy were naked and greased. (Oh my. I think I've just about broken my brain with that mental picture.) So, probably, what people mean when they talk about a metric assload of bowling balls, penguins, or con attendees is really only about 220 mL-worth. Fifteen tablespoons of naked, greased con attendee. Or penguin, or bowling ball. Neither the fanboy or the penguin would really appreciate having 220 g removed from some portion of their respective anatomies (only half a pound of flesh, but still). I don't know if the bowling ball would care, but the mutilation of a bowling ball is still something to be avoided.

I actually tried to point this out to someone the other day, who was talking about a "metric asston" of cans of tuna. I got a very blank stare when I mentioned that, actually, a metric asston was only about 220 g (an asston being approximately half a pound, as above).

by Scooter